I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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