So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
