already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
