I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
