I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
