Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
