you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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