Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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