Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
