so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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