Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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