I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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