I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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