I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
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Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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