Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
