Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
