T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
