Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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