I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
pray to the hookup gods
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
