my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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