I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
