I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
