so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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