Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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