WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
