shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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