I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
