Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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