I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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