I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
