i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
