You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
