I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
