I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
