Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
