Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
