you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
