Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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