Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize