The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
