genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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