So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
