It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
