she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
