hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
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i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
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Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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