If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
