guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
