I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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