If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
