You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
