oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
