Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
