I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
