she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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