How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
