Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
