The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
