So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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