Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
